7The Lord of the Rings movies fucking rule and are such a happy place to be. So what the fuck went wrong in The Hobbit flicks to make me (and everyone else) so ambivalent towards them at best?
1. 9 fucking hours?
This issue can be discussed at length and in great detail (there were TWO songs in the first 35 minutes). It all can be summed up in a relatively compact sentence though: a really short children’s fairy tale should not be turned into a 9-hour movie imho ty. (At the risk of being too genuine, I kinda think this could be re-edited as a sitcom mini-series???)
2. Indistinguishable Dwarves
LOTR essentially had 15-20 characters, and I was terribly invested in all of them. Basically none of the dwarves made an impression on me despite 9 HOURS of movie.
3. Shoe-horning Familiar Characters
The only characters in the book version of The Hobbit that were in The Lord of the Rings were Gandfalf, Elrond, and (a much younger) Bilbo. Peter Jackson managed to squeeze in older Bilbo, Frodo, Galadriel, Saruman, Gollum, Legolas and two very goofy references to Gimli and Aragon.
Orcs are meant to be primarily people in scary and gross costumes and makeup. This was AWFUL and SHAMEFUL filmmaking!
5. Barrel Sequence
This was not *quite* as unpleasant as I remembered (but the shit with the big ginger dwarf sucked ass as did The Big Legolas Spot), but it most certainly fails as a major set piece. The biggest problem? After four hours of Hobbit watching at this point, we understand the danger is minimal. Even the redshirt Hobbits are gonna be just fine.
6. Lake Town
Structurally, Lake Town functions as the Rohan of this series. L.M.A.O.
7. The “Action”
How did none of the action scenes emotionally resonate??? (Rhetorical question but it was because the characters did not make an emotional connection with the audience and the choreography sucked ass!!) They also just sucked and were boring largely.